The Right Approach to Conflict: Breaking Down the Path to Resolution with Intentionality and Simplicity

Introduction: The Real Problem Behind Conflict Management

Conflict is often misunderstood as something to avoid or a problem to be “fixed” all at once. In reality, the issue isn’t conflict itself, but rather how we approach it. Most people don’t have a conflict management problem, but a conflict approach problem. Whether in personal relationships, workplaces, or social settings, how we handle conflict plays a critical role in determining its outcome. The root of the problem often lies not in the conflict’s existence, but in our emotional responses, lack of strategy, and the overwhelming nature of unresolved issues. The solution is not more conflict tools, but rather a better, more intentional approach.

1. Understanding Conflict: Not the Issue, But the Approach

Conflict arises naturally in all human interactions—it’s inevitable. It stems from differing opinions, unmet expectations, misunderstandings, or emotional triggers. However, the way we approach conflict can either escalate or de-escalate the situation.

Conflict Approach vs. Conflict Management: Many people mistake managing conflict as addressing every issue in one go. The problem is not the existence of conflict but how we engage with it. Approaching conflict with a mindset of “fixing it all” can often result in overwhelming emotions and an inability to resolve anything effectively.
Emotional Reactions and Overwhelm: When we’re upset, frustrated, or offended, we often react impulsively rather than respond thoughtfully. This emotional reactivity causes us to react to every issue at once, making the conflict harder to resolve. The key is learning to slow down and approach the conflict in manageable, deliberate steps.

2. The Dangers of Avoidance and Explosion

One common pattern in conflict is avoidance, followed by an explosive outburst when the tension becomes unbearable. People often avoid addressing conflicts directly until the problem grows too big to ignore. This leads to outbursts where we attempt to address every emotion, misunderstanding, and expectation in one go.

Avoiding Conflict Until It’s Too Big: Avoidance feels safe in the short term, but over time, it causes the issue to become more complicated. When conflicts are ignored, small grievances pile up until they explode in a way that’s disproportionate to the original issue. This reactive, all-encompassing approach to resolving conflict doesn’t allow for clarity, understanding, or meaningful resolution.
The Explosion Trap: In an effort to “resolve it all” in one go, we bring up every issue we’ve been silently holding onto. This typically overwhelms both parties and escalates the situation, making resolution more difficult. Instead of problem-solving, it turns into a battle of emotions and accusations, leaving both sides feeling misunderstood.

3. Incremental Conflict Resolution: One Step at a Time

The effective way to approach conflict is not by trying to resolve everything in one sweeping conversation. Conflict should be addressed incrementally, focusing on one issue at a time. This allows each aspect of the conflict to be dealt with thoughtfully and ensures that both parties feel heard and understood.

The Power of Small, Clear Conversations: Breaking down conflict into manageable parts allows you to focus on what’s most pressing in the moment, and address it directly. A clear, focused conversation on one aspect of the conflict at a time leads to greater clarity and resolution, whereas tackling everything at once often leads to confusion and frustration.
Building Momentum Through Small Steps: One key principle in conflict resolution is to “make your world small” and focus on one thing at a time. This is inspired by the wisdom of a squat training officer: “Simplify the problem and focus on the next step, not every step.” By addressing conflict incrementally, you build momentum, moving from one small solution to the next, rather than being overwhelmed by the enormity of the problem.

4. Prioritizing Pain Points: Focusing on What Matters Most

When addressing conflict, it’s important to prioritize the pain points. Often, conflict becomes overwhelming because we try to solve everything at once, without identifying which issue is most urgent or impactful. By prioritizing issues, you create space for focused, effective solutions.

Focusing on the Root Cause: Instead of jumping into a flood of complaints or frustrations, identify the core issue causing the most disruption. By focusing on what’s most important, you can begin to make progress on the conflict, one step at a time, without feeling overwhelmed.
Iterating Your Way to Solutions: Conflict resolution is rarely about “fixing everything” immediately. It’s a process of iterating toward solutions. Each conversation should build upon the last, as you resolve the most pressing issues, paving the way for deeper understanding and future resolution.

5. The Emotional Toll of Conflict: Handling Big Emotions

Conflict inevitably brings big emotions to the surface, and without the right approach, these emotions can overwhelm the process. When emotions are high, people tend to make rash decisions, lash out, or shut down. The goal is not to eliminate emotions, but to manage them so that they don’t sabotage the resolution process.

Emotional Regulation: Slow down when emotions are high. Taking a moment to breathe, reflect, and center yourself before engaging in conflict allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. This creates an environment where both parties can speak from a place of calm, increasing the likelihood of a successful resolution.
Preventing Overwhelm: The key to managing conflict without losing yourself is breaking down the emotions into manageable pieces. Instead of tackling the overwhelming emotional weight of the entire issue, deal with one emotional trigger at a time, allowing yourself space to process and release those feelings.

6. The Importance of a Better Approach Over More Tools

While many people look for more tools or techniques to manage conflict, what they often need is a better approach. The right approach, rooted in simplicity, prioritization, and incremental action, can lead to more effective conflict resolution than any collection of tools or strategies.

Quality Over Quantity: Rather than accumulating endless conflict management tools, focus on refining your approach. By slowing down, focusing on the immediate issue, and addressing conflict in manageable pieces, you’ll find that resolution becomes more achievable without overwhelming yourself or the situation.
Reflection and Growth: Each conflict, if approached with the right mindset, becomes an opportunity for personal growth. By handling conflict incrementally, with patience and intention, you develop emotional intelligence, communication skills, and a deeper understanding of both yourself and others.

Conclusion: Conflict Resolution as a Process, Not an Event

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, and how we handle it can either strengthen or break trust. Instead of seeing conflict as a problem to be solved in one big conversation, view it as a process—a journey of small steps toward understanding and resolution. By addressing conflict incrementally, prioritizing pain points, and taking the time to manage emotions, we create a path toward resolution without losing ourselves in the process. The right approach, rooted in simplicity and intentionality, can lead to deeper connections, growth, and healthier relationships.