Renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman spent decades observing and analyzing how couples interact. Through his work at The Gottman Institute and extensive longitudinal studies, he identified patterns that strongly predict the longevity—or demise—of relationships. One of his most notable findings is that he can predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will stay together or break up, based solely on observing their communication patterns.
At the heart of his research are what he calls The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships:
- Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing specific behaviors.
- Defensiveness – Denying responsibility or playing the victim.
- Stonewalling – Emotionally withdrawing from the interaction and shutting down.
- Contempt – The most toxic of all, marked by disrespect, sarcasm, mockery, and superiority.
Why Contempt Is So Dangerous
Of the Four Horsemen, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce or breakup. Gottman found that when contempt is present, there’s a 99% chance the relationship is headed for failure.
Why? Because contempt signals a deeper emotional erosion—it reflects a complete lack of respect. Unlike criticism, which can still come from a place of frustration or even care, contempt communicates that one partner sees themselves as superior to the other. It’s not just disagreement—it’s dismissal.
Examples of Contempt in Action:
- Eye-rolling during an argument
- Sarcasm or mocking tone
- Dismissive body language
- Name-calling or belittling
- Speaking down to a partner or implying they’re beneath you
These subtle but damaging behaviors send a clear message: “You’re not worthy of my time, respect, or effort.” That power imbalance corrodes the very foundation of emotional connection and safety in a relationship.
What Contempt Reflects Beneath the Surface
Contempt isn’t just a sign of anger—it’s often a byproduct of longstanding unresolved resentment, unmet emotional needs, or deep-seated dissatisfaction. It doesn’t just hurt the emotional climate—it can have physical health consequences. Studies have shown that couples who display contempt are more prone to illness due to the chronic stress it creates.
Can Relationships Recover From Contempt?
Yes—but it requires intentional, sustained effort:
- Building a culture of appreciation: Regularly affirming what you value about your partner.
- Effective conflict resolution: Learning how to argue constructively without escalating.
- Seeking help: Working with a couples therapist trained in the Gottman Method or similar approaches.
- Reconnecting emotionally: Restoring fondness, admiration, and emotional intimacy.
Takeaway
If you’re experiencing contempt in your relationship—either giving or receiving it—take it seriously. It’s not just a communication style; it’s a warning flare that the relationship may be in danger. Understanding and addressing this toxic pattern can make the difference between growing apart or rebuilding connection.
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