People Do Well If They Can: A Transformative Approach to Understanding Behavior

Introduction: A New Lens on Human Behavior

The philosophy that “people do well if they can” challenges the conventional belief that poor behavior stems from a lack of motivation. Instead, it asserts that when someone isn’t meeting expectations—whether a child, partner, coworker, or parent—it’s not a matter of unwillingness but a lack of skills. This perspective, grounded in decades of neuroscience research, offers a compassionate and practical framework for understanding and addressing behavior, whether in children or adults.

1. The Philosophy: A Simple but Powerful Shift

Kids (and People) Do Well If They Can

The key principle: If a person could do well, they would do well.
- Poor behavior arises not from lack of motivation but from barriers preventing success.
- These barriers often include undeveloped skills like problem-solving, flexibility, and frustration tolerance.

Replacing Judgment with Understanding

Traditional thinking assumes misbehavior stems from laziness or lack of discipline.
This philosophy replaces judgment with curiosity:
- Instead of asking, “Why won’t they do better?” ask, “What’s getting in their way?”

2. Neuroscience and Behavior

The Role of Skills in Behavior

Research shows that people who struggle to manage behavior don’t lack the will to behave well—they lack the skills.
Key skill areas include:
- Problem-solving: Identifying and addressing challenges effectively.
- Flexibility: Adapting to changing circumstances or expectations.
- Frustration Tolerance: Managing emotional responses to setbacks.

The Learning Disability Parallel

Misunderstood behavior mirrors how learning disabilities were once treated:
- In the past, children with dyslexia or other challenges were labeled lazy or unmotivated.
- Ironically, these kids often worked harder than anyone else, struggling against skills they hadn’t yet developed.
The same principle applies to behavior: people struggling the most are often trying the hardest.

3. Missteps in Motivation: When We Miss the Mark

Over-Reliance on Motivation Tactics

Misbehavior is often met with strategies aimed at increasing motivation:
- Punishments, rewards, or guilt-driven approaches.
- These methods fail because the issue isn’t motivation—it’s capability.

The Emotional Toll on Struggling Individuals

A girl struggling with behavior in Boston public schools described her inner world in heartbreaking terms:
- “My brain is idiotic. I make stupid mistakes. I mess everything up.”
Her struggles were met with attempts to “motivate” her to do better, when in reality, she was already deeply motivated to succeed but lacked the necessary skills.

4. A Compassionate Framework for Change

Start by Listening

The first step to helping someone isn’t telling them what to do—it’s understanding their perspective.
Listening opens the door to identifying the real obstacles and providing meaningful support.

Identify the Missing Skills

Shift the focus from “fixing” behavior to building skills:
- What specific skills are missing?
- How can we help develop those skills to enable better behavior?

Collaborative Problem-Solving

Engage the person in addressing the challenges together:
- Recognize their struggle.
- Work collaboratively to develop solutions and build their confidence.

5. Practical Applications of “Do Well If They Can”

For Parents

Replace Blame with Empathy:
- Understand that tantrums or defiance may stem from frustration or skill deficits.
- Approach with patience and curiosity to uncover the root cause.
Build Skills Together:
- Teach problem-solving and emotional regulation through practice and modeling.

For Relationships

Focus on the “Why”:
- When a partner’s behavior frustrates you, consider what barriers might be getting in their way.
- Instead of judgment, approach with compassion and a willingness to help.

For Workplaces

Support Struggling Coworkers:
- Recognize that mistakes or inefficiencies may reflect missing skills, not lack of effort.
- Provide resources or mentorship to help colleagues improve.

6. Changing the Narrative: A Call for Compassionate Action

Challenging Old Assumptions

Historical attitudes about behavior—like the outdated views on learning disabilities—have caused harm by misjudging people’s struggles.
By shifting the narrative from “lazy” to “skill-deficient,” we can offer better support and foster growth.

The Power of Understanding

When we approach others with the belief that “people do well if they can,” we create opportunities for change and connection.
Compassion and curiosity are transformative tools for improving relationships and outcomes.

Conclusion: Doing Better When We Know Better

The philosophy that “people do well if they can” offers a simple yet profound way to view behavior. Rooted in empathy and supported by decades of research, it reminds us that struggles often come from barriers, not unwillingness. Whether we’re parents, partners, or coworkers, this approach allows us to build stronger, more supportive relationships by focusing on understanding, skill-building, and collaboration. As we learn better, we can—and must—do better.