Looking Back at an Earlier Kind of Marriage
I sometimes hear men say that today’s man has to work much harder to find a good woman than his grandfather did. They may also believe that women today bring less to a relationship than women did in earlier generations. The statement is exaggerated, but the frustration behind it is real for some men. They look back at their grandmothers and remember women who seemed loyal and devoted to their families. They remember women who stood beside their husbands during difficult times. They also admire the way many of those women cared for their homes and children. When these men look at modern dating, they sometimes feel that something important has been lost. They may wonder why finding a lasting relationship seems more difficult today. But comparing women from two different generations is not as simple as deciding which generation was better. Women’s lives, opportunities, expectations, and choices have changed greatly over the years. To understand modern relationships, we first have to understand how much the world around men and women has changed.
Grandfather Was Not Necessarily Living on Easy Street
The romantic picture of grandfather going to work, buying a house, and easily supporting his family leaves out much of the story. Many working-class men worked long hours just to provide the basic necessities. They labored in factories, mines, mills, and construction. Others worked on farms and railroads or held other physically demanding jobs. Black men often faced even greater challenges because of racial discrimination. They were denied many jobs and opportunities simply because they were Black. Discrimination also affected where they could live, borrow money, and build wealth. Some families were able to prosper despite these barriers. Many others survived because everyone in the household contributed in whatever way they could. Looking at an old family photograph may make life from that time appear simpler than it really was. Grandfather may have been carrying burdens that the photograph could never show.
Grandmother Was Working Too
The idea that grandmother simply stayed home while grandfather did all the work does not tell the whole story. Taking care of a home was hard work. Many women cooked meals from scratch every day. They cleaned their homes without many of the modern conveniences we have today. They washed clothes, cared for children, and often looked after elderly relatives. Some made or repaired clothing for their families. They shopped for necessities and carefully managed the household money. They also helped maintain important relationships with relatives, neighbors, churches, and the larger community. Many Black women worked outside the home because their families needed the additional income. Their contributions were often essential to keeping the family together. Grandfather and grandmother were often building a life together because survival required both of them.
There Was Something Valuable in That Partnership
Still, I understand why some people miss parts of the older model of marriage. Marriage was often seen as more than a romantic relationship. It was also a partnership built around creating a life together. Husband and wife shared the responsibility of building and maintaining a household. Their roles were often more clearly defined than they are today. That did not mean every marriage was happy or fair. Couples still disagreed about responsibilities and expectations. But most understood that marriage required sacrifice from both people. Personal wants sometimes had to come second to the needs of the family. The focus was often less on “What do I want?” and more on “What do we need?” In many families, the emphasis was we before me. That sense of shared responsibility is something worth preserving.
But We Should Be Careful With the Word “Submissive”
When people say grandmothers were more submissive, that word can hide many different experiences. Some women willingly chose traditional marriages and were happy with that choice. They found love, dignity, security, and purpose in caring for their families. Some were blessed with husbands who loved, respected, and supported them. Other women lived very different lives. They remained in difficult marriages because they had few financial choices. Some endured infidelity, alcoholism, abandonment, or emotional cruelty. Others suffered physical abuse but feared that leaving would bring poverty or rejection from family and society. Greater financial independence might have allowed some of these women to make different choices. Both the happily married grandmother and the struggling grandmother existed. History becomes dishonest when we remember one woman and forget the other.
Women Really Did Have Fewer Choices
When modern women say earlier generations had fewer choices, there is historical truth behind that statement. Women had fewer opportunities to earn their own money and build independent lives. Married women also faced barriers when trying to obtain credit or manage finances on their own. Discrimination in the workplace was common. Divorce carried much greater social shame than it does today. A woman with children could face serious financial hardship if she left her husband. These realities caused some women to remain in marriages they might otherwise have left. But that does not mean every grandmother was unhappy or secretly wanted to leave. Many women loved their husbands and valued the lives they built together. Their marriages were real partnerships filled with love, sacrifice, and commitment. Still, staying in a marriage does not always prove that the marriage was happy.
Longevity and Happiness Are Not the Same Measurement
A marriage lasting fifty years tells me something important about commitment and endurance. But it does not tell me everything that happened during those years. Some couples stayed together because they deeply loved one another. Others stayed because they believed marriage was a lifelong promise. Some remained together for their children. Religion also encouraged many couples to stay married through difficult times. For others, leaving was simply not financially possible. A long marriage may have included wonderful years as well as painful ones. Staying together required sacrifice, patience, and sometimes forgiveness. Every marriage had its own story behind the years people could see. I can admire a marriage that lasted a lifetime without pretending that every year of that marriage was peaceful.
But Choice Created a New Problem
Women’s greater independence has brought many important benefits, but progress can also change relationships in unexpected ways. A woman who can support herself no longer needs marriage simply to survive financially. That means a man may need to bring more to a relationship than a paycheck. He needs to offer companionship and emotional maturity. He needs to be reliable. He needs to treat his partner with respect. He also needs to understand that a healthy relationship requires partnership. A woman with choices has greater freedom to decide what she will and will not accept. She can leave when a relationship no longer meets her needs or respects her dignity. That freedom has changed the balance of many relationships. For some men, those changes can make modern relationships feel more demanding than relationships of the past.
Men Have Changed Too
It would be unfair to talk about the decline of traditional womanhood without also asking what happened to traditional manhood. If I want a woman with the qualities I admired in my grandmother, I should ask whether I have the qualities I admired in my grandfather. Am I dependable? Do I keep my word? Can I provide stability and security? Can I remain faithful when temptation comes? Can I control my temper when I am angry? Am I willing to sacrifice for the good of my family? Can I work through problems instead of walking away when things become difficult? I cannot demand traditional values from a woman while refusing to practice them myself. Traditional expectations must apply to both people if they are going to mean anything at all.
We Cannot Demand Traditional Women While Rejecting Traditional Responsibilities
Some men say they want a traditional woman, but only when tradition benefits them. They want her loyalty without offering real commitment in return. They want femininity without providing stability and security. They expect submission without showing the wisdom and judgment needed to earn trust. They want her to cook, nurture, and support them. They expect her to remain faithful and devoted to the relationship. At the same time, they want the freedom to live however they choose. They cannot expect sacrifice from her while refusing to make sacrifices themselves. Traditional marriage was built around responsibilities for both husband and wife. That is not traditional marriage; it is choosing only the parts of tradition that serve you.
Women Can Do the Same Thing
Women can also choose the parts of traditional relationships that benefit them. A woman may reject traditional gender roles while still expecting a man to pay for everything. She may ask for emotional openness but then see his vulnerability as weakness. She may describe herself as independent while judging a man mainly by how much money he earns. These expectations can create contradictions in a relationship. Men and women both have to examine what they expect from each other. Equality cannot mean freedom for one person and responsibility for the other. Modern relationships require both people to decide what roles and values they truly believe in. They also need to communicate those expectations clearly. A relationship becomes difficult when both people want the benefits of tradition and the freedoms of modern life without accepting the responsibilities that come with either.
Modern Dating Has Become More Transactional
Technology has changed relationships in ways our grandparents could hardly have imagined. Dating apps can place hundreds of possible partners right in front of us. Social media constantly exposes us to attractive strangers and relationships that appear perfect. This can create the feeling that someone better is always available. A person may begin wondering what else is out there instead of appreciating who is already beside them. Too many choices can sometimes make commitment more difficult. Small problems may seem like reasons to leave instead of problems to work through. People may become less patient with the normal imperfections that come with every relationship. They may forget that lasting love requires time, effort, compromise, and forgiveness. When we believe another choice is always one swipe away, we may become less willing to value and protect the relationship we already have.
Our Grandparents Had Smaller Dating Markets
Grandfather was generally not comparing grandmother with thousands of women on a phone screen every evening. Grandmother was not sitting beside her husband while receiving private messages from strangers across the country. Their romantic world was usually smaller and closer to home. Most people met potential partners through family, friends, work, church, school, or their local community. That did not mean temptation did not exist. Men and women still faced attraction, infidelity, and relationship problems. Human nature has not changed simply because technology has changed. What has changed is the number of people we can easily reach. Technology provides almost constant access to attention, alternatives, and temptation. Our grandparents faced temptation too, but they did not carry thousands of possible alternatives around in their pockets.
Social Media Has Changed Expectations
Today, people can spend hours looking at carefully edited versions of other people’s lives. A woman may see husbands taking their wives on expensive vacations and wonder why her husband cannot do the same. A man may see beautiful women online and begin comparing them with his wife. He may forget that many of those photographs are filtered, edited, or carefully staged. Social media can make another person’s life appear much better than it really is. Without realizing it, we can bring those comparisons into our own relationships. We may begin focusing on what our partner lacks instead of appreciating what they bring to our lives. Two good people can suddenly start feeling as though they are not enough for each other. Comparison enters the home without knocking. It happens when we compare our ordinary lives with the best moments someone else chooses to show the world. No relationship can compete fairly with somebody else’s highlight reel.
Economic Life Has Changed Too
Modern relationships also exist in a very different economy. The cost of housing, education, health care, child care, transportation, and everyday necessities can place enormous pressure on families. Many households simply cannot live comfortably on one income. For those families, both partners working is not only about independence or changing gender roles. It is often an economic necessity. That reality changes how couples manage their homes. When both people work full time, both may come home tired after a long day. Cooking, cleaning, raising children, paying bills, and other responsibilities still have to be handled. Couples must decide how those duties will be shared. The roles that seemed clearly divided in earlier generations may no longer fit today’s household. When both people help earn the income, they also have to find a fair way to share the work of building a life together.
Men May Feel Their Traditional Role Has Become Unclear
I can understand why some men feel confused by modern expectations. Many were taught that a man should provide, protect, and achieve. At the same time, they hear that women are independent and do not need men in the same ways they once did. Men are expected to be strong while also being emotionally available. They should be confident without becoming controlling. They are expected to succeed without allowing work to consume their lives. They should be protective while respecting a woman’s independence. Finding the right balance can sometimes be difficult. These expectations may even seem contradictory at times. Men should be able to talk openly about these concerns without being immediately judged. Listening to men’s struggles does not require blaming women; it simply allows men to have an honest place in the conversation.
Women Face Contradictions Too
Modern women also face many conflicting expectations. They are encouraged to build successful careers and remain independent. At the same time, they may feel pressure to maintain their appearance and preserve their femininity. They are expected to be excellent mothers and supportive partners. Many are also expected to manage much of the household. They may feel pressure to remain attractive and sexually desirable. On top of everything else, they are often expected to make it all look easy. That is a tremendous amount for anyone to carry. Men and women may sometimes become frustrated with each other without fully understanding the pressures the other is facing. Society has changed quickly, but many of our expectations about relationships have not changed at the same pace. Perhaps some of the conflict between men and women comes from both trying to find their place in a world where the old rules have changed but the new ones are still being written.
The Daughter Who Said, “I Won’t Live Like Mama”
There is truth in the idea that some daughters looked at their mothers’ lives and decided they wanted something different. A daughter who watched her mother accept disrespect might promise herself that she would never do the same. She may have seen her mother remain silent when she wanted to speak. She may have watched her mother give up personal dreams for her husband and children. That daughter might decide that having her own career and financial independence was important. Her choices were not necessarily the result of someone telling her to reject traditional womanhood. Sometimes she was simply responding to what she had witnessed growing up. But rejecting the painful parts of her mother’s life could create another problem. She might also reject the patience, loyalty, sacrifice, and commitment that helped hold her family together. Not everything from the past deserves to be preserved, but not everything deserves to be discarded either. Wisdom means knowing what to leave behind and what is still worth carrying forward.
Progress Can Discard Wisdom Along With Restrictions
Every generation tries to correct some of the mistakes of the generation before it. Sometimes, however, that correction can go too far. Independence is valuable, but too much independence can make it difficult to build a life with someone else. Self-respect is important, but pride can make compromise feel like weakness. Having standards is healthy and necessary. But unrealistic expectations can make even a good person seem inadequate. Grandmother may have stayed when she should have walked away. She may have tolerated things that no woman should have been expected to accept. Her granddaughter, however, may sometimes walk away before giving a good relationship enough time to grow. She may mistake every disagreement or disappointment for a reason to leave. Grandmother may have accepted too much, while her granddaughter may sometimes accept too little. Wisdom may lie somewhere between the two.
Commitment Requires Some Ability to Endure Discomfort
No healthy marriage can survive if every disagreement is treated as proof that the relationship is toxic. Two imperfect people sharing a life will eventually disappoint each other. They will become irritated and sometimes say the wrong thing. They will misunderstand each other. They will not always meet each other’s expectations. A strong relationship requires patience during difficult moments. It also requires forgiveness when mistakes are made. Some problems can be solved through honest conversation and compromise. Other problems require clear boundaries. Commitment means learning the difference between a problem that can be worked through and behavior that should not be accepted. Patience is part of love, but patience should never become permission for abuse.
Our Grandparents Understood Interdependence
One quality worth bringing back is the understanding that strong families are built through interdependence. Independence says, “I can survive without you.” Dependence says, “I cannot survive without you.” Interdependence says, “We can each stand on our own, but we choose to build a life together.” That seems like a healthier model for modern relationships. Both people bring their strengths to the partnership. Neither person has to lose who they are. Neither person controls or dominates the other. Both understand that a successful relationship requires cooperation. They support each other while also respecting each other as individuals. The goal is not to need each other for survival, but to choose each other because life is stronger when they build it together.
A Man Should Not Need a Woman to Become Smaller
Leadership in a relationship should never require a woman to give up her intelligence, ambitions, opinions, or dignity. A man should not need to keep a woman financially dependent in order to feel respected. Real leadership should come from character, wisdom, responsibility, and trust. A strong woman does not have to become smaller for a man to feel strong. She can have her own goals and still support the relationship. She can speak her mind without challenging the value of her partner. She can be independent without rejecting partnership. I would rather have a woman who is fully capable of standing on her own. If she chooses to stand beside me, I know she is there because she truly wants to be. Her ability to leave makes her decision to stay even more meaningful.
A Woman Should Not Treat a Good Man as Disposable
The reverse is equally important. Independence should not become an excuse for treating relationships as temporary or disposable. A good man should not be judged only by how much money he earns. His value should not depend on his social status or how much entertainment he can provide. Men need to feel appreciated for who they are. They need loyalty from the person they love. They need tenderness and affection. They also need respect and emotional safety. A man should be able to express his feelings without having them used against him later. Men are human beings before they are providers. Relationships become stronger when both people understand that each deserves to feel loved, respected, valued, and safe.
Submission May Be Better Understood as Mutual Trust
The old idea of submission can create problems because many people hear it as another word for domination. I find the idea of mutual trust more useful. In a healthy relationship, there are times when one partner may know more and should take the lead. There will also be times when the other partner is better prepared to lead. Strong couples learn to recognize and respect each other’s strengths. If my partner understands finances better than I do, wisdom tells me to listen to her. Listening does not make me weak or less important. If I have greater knowledge in another area, she should be able to trust my judgment as well. Leadership can move back and forth depending on the situation. Neither person has to become inferior for two people to build a strong partnership together.
The Goal Should Not Be Recreating 1955
We cannot simply return to our grandparents’ world, and we should not try to recreate everything about it. Women have gained legal and financial independence, and they should not have to give that up. Men should not be expected to carry every financial responsibility simply because they are men. The better goal is to keep what worked while leaving behind what caused harm. We should keep loyalty. We should keep commitment. We should keep the importance of family. We should keep sacrifice and shared responsibility. We should keep respect for one another. At the same time, we should leave behind domination, financial helplessness, silence about abuse, and the belief that one person’s dreams matter more than the other’s. The strongest modern relationship may be one that carries the best values of the past into a more equal and respectful future.
Maybe Neither Generation Had the Complete Answer
Our grandparents understood the importance of commitment, sacrifice, and staying together through difficult times. Modern generations have taught us important lessons about equality, independence, and personal dignity. Neither generation had all the answers. There are valuable lessons to be learned from both. I do not have to praise one generation while criticizing the other. Wisdom means taking the best of what our grandparents taught us and combining it with what we have learned since then.
Summary
The claim that today’s men work twenty times harder for women who are twenty times worse than their grandmothers expresses frustration rather than measurable reality. Earlier marriages often benefited from clearer expectations, stronger community ties, and an emphasis on family commitment, but they also existed when women had fewer economic and social choices. Modern relationships offer greater freedom and equality while introducing new pressures involving technology, individualism, changing gender expectations, and seemingly unlimited romantic choice.
Conclusion
The answer is not returning completely to the past or rejecting everything about it. Strong relationships can combine modern freedom and equality with old-fashioned commitment, loyalty, and sacrifice. The goal is two people choosing each other freely and building something worth protecting, repairing, and staying for.